Who is it that haunts your past? I’ve struggled with this question. The obvious answer is to point a finger at one or two significants that will forever be lost to me… distrust, anger and misunderstanding are the the high walls and deep trenches that continue to separate.
During an amazing moment of clarity I discovered the walls and trenches made me a prisoner, they in fact surrounded me, something akin to the Berlin Wall. While I looked out and saw others moving on to new relationships, exciting relationships that I wanted too, I was unreachable because I’d built my own Berlin wall. I had a circle of friends that would ‘fly in’, but would always escape to freedom when the visit was over. This walled city, the prison, was of my own doing.
I can cite angry words, broken promises and unfaithfulness as reasons my two marriages ended (and this is the Cliff Note version) but in the end, ‘they’ have all moved on and I am left to figure things out.
To answer the question “Who is it that haunts your past? “, the only answer I have is ME. I am the shadowy figure that visits me in the night. The shadowy figure points a finger at the good intentions of hopeful females, sometimes destroying any chance for a trusting relationship.
“Baggage” leaves us with new buttons that are easily pressed, instant replays of our worst fears.
But that’s just the point, isn’t it… they are only replays of a by-gone horror and likely have nothing to do with any current happenings.
I’m actually freed from my prison, Berlin, and it is squarely in the rear view mirror as I speed down the road. For me, the last marriage ended over a year ago, the last long dating relationship ended 10 months ago…. a nice wind has blown over me and pushed the shadows away.
The year is ending well, and 2007 holds the promise of a good start. One that I haven’t had in many years.
Thanks for reading this far.
(Originally Published: December 28, 2006)