19
Jan
2015
I Did a Bad, Bad Thing, Part III.
Oh dear, this is not good ...
[Part 3 of a series. You should read Part 1 and Part 2 first.]
“What’s the matter?” Vince feigned, as Jer stumbled into the room clutching a little piece of white paper and a torn white envelope. “You look awful.”
“You were right,” Jer choked out, handing Vince the crumpled note before he collapsed on the bed, “I knew it! Oh my god o my god o my god …”
Vince had prepared his best “I’m shocked, shocked!” routine, but he hadn’t been prepared for the depth of despair and anguish. All he could muster as he pretended to read the note was a faint, “Holy cow!” which ironically made his reaction seem even more sincere. “Come on, Jer,” he offered supportively, “You probably don’t have …” Read the rest of this entry »
19
Jan
2015
College Angst and the Cult of Virginity, Part II.
Advisory Warning: This is the second of a two-part blog on virginity, and it contains frank talk about sex. 
If you are under age, don’t want to read about such things, can’t read about them without euphemisms or clinical terms, or have no sense of humor, please don’t read it. By clicking the “continue” button, you agree that you can, and want, to go on. If you’re coming directly to the full blog and don’t want to go on, just hit the “back” button now. You may also want to read my last entry. But whatever you decide, please remember that my blog is not about getting anyone to see things a particular way, it’s about getting myself and others to think about the ways that I, and they, see things. Read the rest of this entry »
19
Jan
2015
I Did a Bad, Bad Thing, Part V. Epilogue.
There's no where to hide.
[The end to the story told in “I Did a Bad, Bad, Thing” Part 1, 2, 3, and 4]
Ray raced past the study carrel where I was sitting in the library before making a screeching halt and coming back.
“There you are,” he said between breaths, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere!”
“What’s the matter?” I inquired, putting down one of the books I was going through in order to try and get ready for a Roman Civ. paper.
“It’s Jer,” he said, wild-eyed, “He’s gone berserk!”
“Uh-oh,” I said, rising from my chair and glancing around the library stacks to make sure that Ray hadn’t been followed and Jeremy would leaping at me from one of the shelves like a ninja in shorts, “What happened?” Read the rest of this entry »
19
Jan
2015
HOW TO: Long distance dating in a global neighborhood
I’m single. To be more precise, I’m divorced from my second wife (I hate saying that) for nearly two years. Almost immediately after we separated I signed up for two internet dating services and pony’d up the money for six months of each. You could tell I wasn’t optimistic about these services being obsolete quickly, the pain of the divorce was still fresh despite having made my peace with the circumstances that brought it on.
Everyone it seemed had an opinion about online dating, especially those who were still gloriously married and by all appearances happy. Their advice ranged from proclaiming trust in God and go to church to find a good girl, to, well as long as you look locally you are probably ok. Many well meaning friends advised on being extremely cautious to the point you should not trust anything you hear or see coming from the internet.
Although I’d investigated starting an online dating site a few years before (and even launched it at one point) I had never really done any online dating, I was happily married at the time. No surprise here, the world had changed once again from the last time I was gripped with singularity.
I turned to online dating for a few reasons, the first and foremost is “I don’t do the bar scene.” Another reason is a belief that somewhere in the vast sea of 6 billion people my ideal match is waiting to be found. It’s a modern day romantic vision of being an explorer and finding love on some distant shore.
The rules for developing a relationship online are much different from the ‘real world’ rules.
- In the real world for example you don’t expect to see someone each and every day for awhile. Online, you do expect to chat or email daily.
- In the real world you expect to be able to go out on dates, dining or movies, picnics and hikes all come to mind too. Online, you expect to chat or email daily…and exchange recent photos.
- In the real world you expect to get a kiss at the end of the night, a warm hug, even some snuggling on a sofa can figure into the evening. Online, you expect to chat or email daily, exchange recent photos, and if you are lucky score a few XO’s while saying good night.
Online dating is like being in a dating simulator. You get to know how someone thinks by their writing, covering endless subjects that might otherwise go unexplored if burdened with being in their presence, distracted by mannerisms (both endearing or annoying) and time constraints that don’t exist in cyberspace. After enough of this, you look forward to the day you can see and touch this other person in the flesh. If the chemistry is apparent then the lesson’s and knowledge learned during ‘simulation’ become as real and valuable as if you’d been dating this person all along….suddenly you have ‘history’ with them.
I’ve slowly been piecing together a ‘Next Century’ approach to online relationship building. This works.
Online dating assumes on thing, you are ONLINE and can chat. Email exchanges are not the same, you must be able to chat. There is an immediacy to chatting that doesn’t exist in the mere exchange of well thought out letters (which btw, are nice to have too).
Next, a good calling strategy is mandatory. At some point you will want to hear the voice on the other end, being prepared with a cost effective calling strategy will save you money and countless hours of frustration if you find talking to them is enjoyable. I have both cell phone and online calling available to me. I have even been talking to someone far away and taken them grocery shopping or to other stores just by keeping them on the phone while I did those things. When I was married I recall many occasions in which I talked to my wife while out and about, why not someone you are courting online?
A webcam will answer many of the ‘intangible’ questions because you can see your muse on the screen. A person can’t really hide how they look on camera, and you can see how they flip their hair or turn their head while talking. If you don’t want to be seen, a webcam is still very handy for taking pictures to send or post. It has the added advantage of being fully in your control and if you don’t like the photo, delete it!
Here are a couple ideas that will make the distance is tolerable until you can be with them in person.
Go on a webcam date. If you both have laptops and webcams, find a café or restaurant that has WiFi available, set your laptop up on the other end of the table and enjoy a meal together. Guys, if you are clever enough you can even arrange to pay for the date by some simple advance calling to the restaurant your date will be in to make payment arrangements.
Watch a movie together. This assumes you have a phone calling plan in place where being on a continuous call is not a financial burden. You could both rent the same video and start it at the same time, watching and commenting on things like you would in person. If you have television schedules that are in sync, you can watch programs together in the same way. I have a device called a Slingbox, it allows me to view my home television on my laptop from anywhere I can get on the internet. I could send the viewing software to someone I want to watch shows with so they could see what I’m watching and could even get annoyed at my channel surfing. (A Slingbox is not a service you subscribe too, once you own it there is no more expense to using it)
In the end, nothing will replace real world contact. Until then you may discover a rhythm to your long distance relationship that you never expected by using some of these ideas.
C’mon, we’re going to the hardware store!
Thanks for reading this far. XOXO
19
Jan
2015
College Angst and the Cult of Virginity, Part I.
Philia: But what am I supposed to do?
Pseudolus: Wait! Isn’t that what virgins do best?
–A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.
Advisory Warning: This is the first of a two-part blog on virginity, and it contains frank talk about sex. If you are under age, don’t want to read about such things, or can’t read about them without euphemisms, clinical terms, or obtuse allusions, please don’t read them. If you’re coming here directly to Altered Focus, by clicking the “read more” button, you agree that you can, and want, to go on. If you’re coming here directly to the blog and don’t want to read, just hit the “back” button now. Read the rest of this entry »
19
Jan
2015
I Did a Bad, Bad Thing, Part I.
[First part of a series]
I did a bad, bad thing once a long time ago.
It wasn’t my idea. I was just good at writing things. That’s why Vinny and Ray (not their names) came and asked me to do it. Read the rest of this entry »
18
Apr
2010
I Did a Bad, Bad Thing, Part II.
[Part 2 of a series. You can find Part 1 here.]
You see, Vince was a pre-med student. Illness was his thing. Jeremy, his roommate, was a germophobe. It wasn’t the first time Vince had jerked him around with pseudo-medical information. So when Jer asked, “But you can’t get an STD from kissing … right?” Vince had yet one more opportunity to cash in on his street cred. Read the rest of this entry »
23
Oct
2007
For Sale: Pet Sociopath
Wolf in sheep's clothing
One never actually sees a relationship with a sociopath coming, they happen upon you and sweep you away with unpredictable excitement, ‘unpredictable’ being the operative word here. (Sidebar: Normal people are actually fairly unpredictable, dysfunctional ones are always predictable within their dysfunction. It’s why criminal profiles can prove so helpful to law enforcement.) If it’s excitement you want in your life I know of no other creature on earth capable of replacing the dull moments of life with high drama.
An earlier version of this blog attempted to create a light hearted discussion of the subject of relationships with a sociopath. I was going to propose a mock “For Sale: Pet Sociopath” ad and disclose all the traits one can expect from such a pet. Then I realized the painful scares from a romantic relationship with a sociopath are difficult to put in the rear view mirror, it was for me.
My release from being “sick” was in education about the condition thus freeing myself from the guilt installed while in her grasp.
Below is a list of behavioral traits that could indicate you are in a relationship with a sociopath.
- They don’t always ask for your life’s history (they’d rather tell you theirs) but since you offered the details they will use sensitive experiences against you at precisely the right time. My shorthand way to describe my sociopath was “Anything you say can and will be used against you!”
- They will never admit to being wrong about any particular situation since they truly believe nothing is ever their fault. Don’t be fooled by meaningless apologies, if it suits their end, they’ll do it.
- They are quick to dash a relationship to the rocks. It is how many gain control over their current muse. You see, normal people will be shocked at the suddenness of the break up and conclude it must have been something we did to cause such a reaction. We start to apologize for things we never really did wrong. Once that starts you have begun to yield control over to them.
- Often they have pets and treat them better than humans. The internalized belief is that animals love unconditionally and will never hurt them, unlike people. This is a tough one for normal people to understand because we would easily agree that pets are hopelessly devoted to their masters anyway.
- When pressed for resources, nothing you have is too precious for them to ask for, or extort from you. My sociopath ran sacked my dining room and living room while I was on the phone with her one morning, stuck at work, all while she demanded money to exit the relationship. Her own money had finally run out.
- When a sociopath is truly done with you, they will leave and insist on zero communication. On one ‘after break up’ contact I had with my sociopath she responded with disparaging remarks, misstating relationship facts to her advantage and then cutting and pasting in the email response the Webster’s definition for ‘loser’. Yes, I laughed out loud at that.
- They are typically vain about their looks. My sociopath was a former gymnast, never had children (never married either) and was quite attractive. Her looks were part of her seduction strategy, she knew it and worked it. (…of course I like mirrors around too, hmm)
- They rarely introduce you to their friends. Honestly, they have few long time friends but this is beside the point. Normal people are willing to share their friendships with their love interests.
- They will have impressive resumes. If you are like me, you will be impressed at the variety of positions they’ve held and the bold nature of their ‘decisions’ to move on to new things. As an aside, my sociopath’s recent job history was all verifiable, I have concluded her explanations for leaving them was the untrustworthy part of the saga.
- If you meet their family members you can count on this, none of them will disclose real dirt since the sociopath would never risk an introduction that could lead to that.
- If you make a mistake in your relationship with a sociopath that they characterize as a lie, you will always be ‘in jail’ and branded a liar forever. They will use this view to control you. The routine is the promise of someday being a trusted lover again if you mind your matters (they will decide what that is for you too btw), it’s just by their “forgiving nature” that you are getting another chance.
- A sociopath isn’t afraid to flaunt their poor behavior in front of you, remember, they already have their next ‘mark’ in full view if you dispatch with them. They will likely say how you had this coming to you, and to just take your medicine.
- A sociopath can convince you that you are the sick one and in need of help, it will do you no good to confront them with your conclusions, remember nothing is their fault.
It’s because of this episode in life that I finally understood the true value of ‘selfish dating’. My blog entitled, “Alone is better than wrong“, is a must read for any one still gripped in the torrent of dating (it is posted here too.) Had this strategy been installed in my process of dating I’d have avoided some painful events.
Metaphorically speaking, I am at the top of a mountain looking down, the view is amazing. I see the difficult paths I took to the pinnacle, I see the missed opportunities to make my journey here easier, I see where the forest line ended and the rough, cold terrain consumed the last couple of years. I am rejoining the masses after being a cave dweller. Life, after all, is in the valleys not the mountain tops.
I wanted to write this blog for some time now, considering how to frame my experiences in a way that will help others but in the end, as with all my blogs, the information is more for my benefit. I use my blogs as a marker in time, a moment of clarity, regarding the subject matter and often reread many of them. Perhaps you will add this to your reference material too.
Thanks for reading this far.